1. Why did Xanadu close, but Naked Boys Singing! is still running? Can't you get your cheap thrills at home?
2. I'm not crazy about the term fag hag, but it sure beats fat lazy kike.
3. I'm not interested in your sex talk until you get to the part that goes 'he attached weights to my scrotum.' Then you have me.
4. A new boyfriend every month is actually worse than no boyfriend at all.
5. Ask me about my vagina once in a while.
6. Straight men don't hate you any more than they hate straight women. Or Jews.
7. Sorry, real singing actually involves more talent than lip-synching.
8. There is no such thing as a bisexual. You're gay.
9. The fact that I had a hysterectomy does not make me any less of a woman than you.
10. It's OK that I sing like a white person.
Hoffman stars as Grandmama in the new Broadway musical The Addams Family, opening April 8 at New York City's Lunt-Fontanne Theatre. Her CD, Jackie Hoffman: Live at Joe's Pub is available at PSclassics.com.