1. No, your lap dogs are not 'just as important' as the children we actually gave birth to.
2. Stop being so anal.
3. The crystal meth thing has got to go. Leave something for straight white trash.
4. Black-and-white photos of guys in their underwear is not art.
5. Are you sure you want the right to marry? Haven't you suffered enough?
6. No, we don't want to hear how big it was.
7. Tops? Bottoms? Why limit yourselves?
8. Trust me, real prisons are not erotic.
9. It's not cute when you flirt with our boyfriends. They're not 'uptight' -- they're straight.
10. Judy's dead. Get over it.
Barr's new comedy show, Roseanne Barr: Domestic Goddess LIVE, runs at the Sahara Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas through May 15.