Kathy Griffin Gets Literary

9.7.2009

By Noah Michelson

Have any of your family or friends had a negative reaction?
No. They haven't read it yet. They helped me with a little bit of it in the research department -- sometimes I'll forget what year something happened or the sequence of something. But I told them, 'Get ready, I'm gonna come and do some truth tellin'.' They're so used to it by now [laughs.] But I will tell you, I have a secret dream that my family will turn into the family of Kate Gosselin [from Jon and Kate Plus 8] and constantly go on Good Morning America and The Today Show and talk bad about me, because I think that would be better for the book. So if that means I have to slip them a little cash for them to go on those shows, it might be worth it.

Two words: Jack. Black.
Yeah. I fucked him.

I know. I'm kind of speechless.
By the way, I know the gays are not going to be that thrilled by that.

Trust me, we're not.
I know the gays are a little more interested in my night of sin with Levi Johnston.

Oh yeah, we've been loving that.
I tore his boxers up, baby! And the Jack Black thing -- I went out with him for about three months and he was a fun boyfriend and --

OK, OK, but let's cut the crap, Kathy: how was he in bed?
He was wonderful in bed.

Really?
Yeah. I can't honestly say I remember details of every guy I've slept with [laughs], but I do remember Jack being wonderful in bed.

Wow.
And wonderful out of bed. And funny. And sweet.

Go Jack.
Yeah! Go Jack! Who knew?

Do you ever play matchmaker with your gays? Like, who would you set Lance Bass up with?
Here is the thing that I have learned over the years: I have had it with you people! [Laughs.] I am not fixing up one more of my goddamn gays! It is always a disaster. They are so much worse than my girlfriends because they all come to me saying, 'I want to meet this guy' or 'I want to meet that guy' and I fix them up and it's always a disaster. And then they turn on me! 'How could you think I'd like him?' 'You know I only like blonds!' 'He ate a carbohydrate yesterday!' Oh no. That is it. I put the gays in a room and then they just fend for themselves like wild animals.

A total free-for-all.
Just when I think this guy might like this other guy, I'm totally wrong and it turns out he likes the other guy who was at the party and so I put them all together in as big of a party as possible and then I let them hook up on their own.

Like the sauna at the gym -- just put them all together and let them do what they're going to do.
Just let them simmer and see what dish comes out, you know what I mean?

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