�ber Gay

7.6.2009

By Mo Rocca

You and California governor Arnold Sch-warzenegger are both Austrian. Do you feel a special bond with him?
Of course, ve have so much in common! Ve are both Austrian, ve are both massive movie stars, und ve both like hanging out vith guys, pushing our bodies to the edge of pain! It vas an honor to meet him again in California recently. Our encounter was very similar to the first time I met him, which vas backstage at the Mr. Universe contest in 1983. He was competing for the very last time and was just overweight for his division. He needed to lose two ounces in five minutes -- Br'no was only too happy to help out.

You work fast. Some personal questions: What is your favorite gaycation spot in America? Fire Island? P-town?
Ich refer you back to my Utah answer. So many single hot guys mit nowhere to put it -- talk about ein Salty Lake! If not zere, it vould have to be New York. Zhere are so many different kinds of guys -- black, white, Asian. It is like putting mein face in ein bowl of Neopolitan ice cream, und just as messy!

Now as the world knows, you've adopted an African baby and named him O.J. Who inspired you?
Ich know people zhink ich have copied Madonna und Angelina, but it wasn't like zhat -- zeir adoptions are based around publicity, vhereas vith me it happened quite naturally. Ich vas in Africa during ein flight stop-off und ich needed some change for ze vending machine. I gave zis voman mein iPod in exchange for change to buy a Diet Coke und baby O.J.

You travel a lot. Will you have help raising O.J.?
It is quite a struggle raising ein child -- I mean he cries all ze time und does scheisses in his unterpants -- but zen again, so did mein last boyfriend. Vhen ich vent to Africa, I had thought of getting a baby leopard, but zey really are hard vork und need looking after 24-7.

Of course, Brangelina didn't stop at one. Any thoughts on expanding the fam?
Ich have heard zat next season, South American kids -- especially little Brazilian street orphans -- are going to be HOT HOT HOT! Ze trouble is, vhat do you do mit the old babies vhen zey're not cool anymore? It's not like a labradoodle, vhen ze problem can be solved mit a Louis Vuitton zip-up tote bag, a handful of rocks, und
ze river.

The Sex and the City girls -- Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte -- which one are you?
It changes. Sometimes ich am romantische like Carrie, sometimes ein bit slutty like Samantha, then I could dye my hair ginger like Miranda, und occasionally if I'm very tired, ich can be bland und forgettable like the other one. Basically, zey're all old now, so ich am not like any of zem. For a start, ich am carrying less fat und have far less body hair. Ich think ve both know zat if ich am anyone in Sex und the City, ich am Big!

Well this has been pretty mind-blowing. What's next for Br'no?
I'm through with devoting my life to others -- just for once, I want to spend a little bit of time thinking about Br'no. You know, I'd quite like to vin a Nobel Prize. Is zere one for fashion journalism?

*We know he's not really Austrian.

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