�ber Gay


By Mo Rocca

For the record, the difference between Hamas and hummus?
It vas so embarrassing in mein movie thinking zey vere ze same thing! Hummus ist ein terrorist organization und Hamas ist ein Arab boy band.

And how would you describe your own fashion sensibility?
Mein philosophy is treat your clothes like you would do a pet -- love zem for a week, zen stick zem in ein plastic bag und throw zem in ze Danube. Alvays carry changes of outfits. At my friend Keith Trent D'Arby's vedding last Saturday, I started at 3 p.m. in a powder blue silk sleeveless Balenciaga page boy smock paired mit low-rise velvet Vivienne Westwood culottes. Zen, at 8 p.m., after throwing up ze wedding meal, ich managed to squeeze into mein Mugler catsuit und by 3 a.m. ich was in ze bushes at ze back of ze spatel wearing just ze sweat of a Filipino waiter called Cesar.

In the film you make quite an impression in Velcro.
Ja, zat's right. Because of a minor hiccup vith a Velcro suit at Milan Fashion Veek, ich vas fired from mein job und ze fashionistas turned on me. Ich vas stunned -- zey were ze last people zat I expected to be shallow und two-faced. Ich still find it hard to talk abaus zese events. It was worse than 9/11 -- it vas 9/12.

How do Austria's fashion police compare to the American fashion police?
Ze American fashion police are much more prepared to look ze other vay. In Austria ze fashion police have actual powers of arrest. For example, in Vienna, if you vore sveatpants vith cowboy boots you vould be shot on ze street. Austria has a very proud fashion tradition -- as well as creating ze entire look for World Var II, ve also today have a very influential Vienna Fashion Week. We also have a Vienna Fascism Week. It's similar, just less black models.

Speaking of black women, any fashion advice for Michelle Obama?
Ja -- shtop hanging round Barack! Firstly, he's so hot he makes you look frumpische, und secondly, just 'cause he had sex with you on two occasions 10 und eight years ago to further his career, it doesn't mean you're going to turn him. Let him go! If he wanted a beard, he'd grow one!

Does your network -- Austrian Gay TV -- offer any programs for straight viewers?
Ze closest it has to a straight show is Gerhard Schvettering's new home improvement programme, G.A.Y.D.I.Y. Last Vednesday, he had a really great feature on how to get stains aus of sauna wood.

German Heidi Klum hosts Project Runway. Is there an American reality show on the horizon for Austrian Br'no?
Ich am hoping to do an American wersion of Austria's most popular reality show, Ze Amazing Master Race. Either zat or remake a show ich did for a vhile in ze '90s called Get 'ber It! It vas amazing! If something really bad had happened to someone, like zey'd just broken up or lost a father, we would redo their house for zem. We vould start out mit two loud hailers shouting 'Get 'ber it!' Zen we take everything out of ze house. We had zis guy whose vife died in a fire, so to cheer him up, ve brought in zese amazing curtains and it totally transformed his apartment!

Let's turn to American politics. Do you think we'll ever see gay marriage in red-state America? In a state like Utah?
Utah has all zese Mormon familien mit one man und maybe eight vomen. Zat means ein lot of hot guys going spare. So it's only a matter auf time. And you're telling mich zat all zose women don't chew each others burgers when ze husband is busy mit ze youngest, prettiest wife? Come auf it!

And if Br'no were to have sex with a woman'?
Zat's just not going to happen. Mein female freund in Vienna, Framke, keeps begging me to give her a baby -- she even asked my last boyfreund to throw up in her vageena. But zere's just no way.

Readers want to know: If you could walk down the aisle with any gay American celebrity'?
Senator Barney Frank. Ich love power, und a chubbische like Barney ze Bear would make Br'no even more schvelte. Like Elton und David. Apart from Barney, it vould have to be Lance Bass from 'N Sync. Cute though he is, ich vould still make him vear ein Justin Timberlake face mask.