Has Manhunt Destroyed Gay Culture?
8.4.2008
By Michael Joseph Gross
If you were asked to design the perfect weapon to exploit this vulnerability as it manifests itself in attractive, urban gay men, you'd want something that would intensify our isolation, exaggerate our propensity to objectify each other, and persuade us to objectify ourselves -- by encouraging us to believe that our purpose is to look good and have lots of sex.
Manhunt would be your perfect weapon, a heat-seeking missile for the weaknesses that have plagued us for decades. Perry Halkitis, a New York University associate dean and professor of applied psychology, says, 'Manhunt is a symptom. It does well because we don't know how to relate to each other and we don't know how to take care of ourselves.' Dan Savage, author of the sex column 'Savage Love' and editor of Seattle's The Stranger newspaper, says, 'Manhunt is a tool. Big, bad Manhunt doesn't make guys drag themselves to the webcam and take all those pictures of their dicks.'
It does, however, offer powerful incentives to do so. When we started cruising online, neither I nor any of my friends would have dreamed we'd post naked pictures of ourselves for strangers to see. Now almost all of us have done it. When we crossed that line most of us felt we were violating ourselves. But it got us laid. We took more pictures -- better ones -- because the hotter our pictures, the more we got laid. When we questioned our choices, we reminded ourselves, We're gay, this is our culture, Manhunt is the 21st-century gay bar, and you can't stop progress. Besides, every fuck, we rationalized, was another chance to find a boyfriend. Yet the more we did this, the fainter grew the hope of finding something more meaningful than a hookup. As our hopes faded, we learned to see one another, and finally even ourselves, as things.
When I say all of this to Larry Kramer, he asks, 'Do you realize you're quoting me?' In Faggots, Kramer's satirical novel of gay New York and Fire Island, published in 1978, the protagonist, wandering through a culture that has reduced its members to meat, exclaims, 'I'm tired of using my body as a faceless thing to lure another faceless thing, I want to love a Person!'
Gay urban life has always been a meat market, and cruising, you could argue, has always been a form of consumption. For gay men seeking sex, as for all kinds of shoppers, the Internet removed constraints of space and time on access to the market -- and at the same time offered an unprecedented range of products to choose from. Basile says that, from the start, he wanted Manhunt to be 'like eBay for men,' where users could find anything they wanted.
Yet cruising, unlike shopping, requires a buyer to also make himself a seller. And selling yourself online, unlike selling yourself in the meat markets of bars and clubs, requires you to create a sexy image that stands separate from your physical self.
You must create, in other words, a pornographic version of yourself, a thing that represents you but is not you. Michael W. Ross of the World Health Organization believes that such dissociation speeds development of a sense of intimacy, which accelerates the pace at which two people decide to trust each other, which increases the likelihood of their engaging in risky behavior.
There's still scant research linking online cruising to the most extreme risky behavior -- crystal meth use and unprotected sex. In the age of bioterrorism and bird flu, gay men's health and our mating habits are not of primary concern to most grant-making bodies. And relevant study results are somewhat inconclusive. Two recent studies indicate that men who have unprotected sex are equally likely to do so with partners met online or offline.
A number of others, though, indicate that men who hook up online are more likely to have unprotected anal sex, more likely to use drugs, and more likely to report having received money or drugs in exchange for sex. A San Francisco study found that men who hook up online were four times more likely than men who meet elsewhere to have unprotected sex with someone of opposite or unknown serostatus. In Boston, epidemiologist Matthew Mimiaga says that 'the vast majority' of subjects in his study of HIV-positive men who believe they contracted the virus while doing crystal meth first encountered that drug in the context of an online hookup. (Manhunt has been praised by some health officials for making information about safer sex and drug abuse available through its site, but no one really knows whether these activities amount to much more than a fig leaf.)
Both quantitative and qualitative analyses -- of health risks and of the psychological dissociation that's characteristic of online social life -- point to sobering conclusions about the utility of habitual online cruising for men who say they want to find love. You might as well train for a marathon by doing sprints on a minefield.
To pretend that the choice to have immense numbers of sexual encounters with little or no emotional context is value-neutral -- long an article of faith of modern gay life -- is a mistake. Decoupling sex from emotion is a fool's errand, and Manhunt seems to be the fullest expression of this project. It is hard to see how it could go any further.
It is about to go further.
Last winter Manhunt put out a casting call on its website asking for members to volunteer to have sex with each other on-camera. In short order 211 men had volunteered. Of these, Manhunt employees chose 40, paired them up, and sent well-known porn stars to digitally tape their hookups. Each performer was paid $1,000 for the right to show these videos on Manhunt's sister site, OnTheHunt.com, which went live in June -- Gay Pride Month.
Appearing in these videos will have the immediate effect of inflating the performers' prestige in Manhunt's membership at large. The long-term effects of Manhunt members' choice to do porn are less clear.
Employers now routinely reject job applicants after checking MySpace and Facebook profiles for suggestions of irresponsible or reckless behavior. Yet the explosion of amateur online porn has given many gay men, particularly younger men, a remarkable sense of security about their choice to perform. Last year a medical student in Manhattan told me he decided to have sex on-camera because 'I'm not going to run for the Senate. I'm going to be a doctor in New York City. If anything, being a gay porn star is something to talk about at a cocktail party. That sort of thing here is like, 'Oh you were in porn? Me too!''
The project of pornographying ourselves while cruising online -- whether by taking naked self-portraits in the mirror, masturbating with another guy via webcam, or volunteering to go for broke on OnTheHunt.com -- can impair or devastate gay men's ability to find intimacy with one another. 'It means you're always looking for the better or the best,' says Detroit psychologist Joe Kort. 'This is the negative effect of a culture where people spend lots of time looking at pornography and judging each other primarily based on naked pictures of each other: You always think there's something better, because you're seeing it -- it's out there -- so why shouldn't you hold out for somebody whose looks are everything you dream of?'
The seemingly endless stream of available men on Manhunt is, according to marketing director Henricks, 'addictive, like a slot machine. You keep hitting next, to see another screen of profiles, thinking you're gonna get lucky sevens.' This drive, according to Alan Downs, a psychologist and author of The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, lies at the core of the appeal of online cruising: 'Variable payout schedule, which is used in slot machine designs, is the most addictive form of psychological conditioning, because you never know when you'll get paid. It could be every 10 times you play, or every hundred.' In the same way, Downs adds, 'every time you log on, you never know what you'll find. That's why it expands to fill a person's time. Last night was a bust, but who knows who will be online this morning or tonight.'
How vulnerable are Manhunt users to its addictive quality? 'We're the second-stickiest website in America,' Henricks boasts. 'Stickiness,' he explains, is slang for attention ranking, the measure of the amount of time a user spends on a website each time he visits. According to Compete.com, the Web's Nielsen equivalent of attention rankings, the average Manhunt user spends 40 minutes on the site per visit. That's about twice the amount of time the average Facebook or MySpace user spends on those sites. And, back to the slot machines, the only website in this country that is stickier than Manhunt is the wildly popular gambling website Pogo.com.
Manhunt's employees can brag about the site's addictive quality because they're not doing anything illegal and because they can count on no one making a moral argument against their business, because no gay man wants to risk sounding anti-sex.
Jim Foster, a leading gay activist in the 1970s, often said, 'What this movement is about is fucking.' We are defined by our sex drive -- and our political goals amount, essentially, to ensuring that we are in no way legally penalized for it. In our personal lives, even now, almost 40 years after Stonewall, coming out requires a painful exertion of energy to rout the puritan fear that gay sex is bad. To vanquish this fear, especially when first coming out, many of us become preoccupied with the pursuit of sex.
Periods of promiscuity can help us make up for lost time and can be a healthy and meaningful part of our development as gay men. 'When we were teenagers, when straight people were learning how to connect, we didn't learn that,' explains Robert Weiss, a Los Angeles psychologist and the author of Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men.
Yet as cruising migrates to the virtual world, the challenge of integrating desires for sexual and emotional connection can become much more difficult. As teenagers, Weiss continues, 'we learned that we had to survive on our own. That means inside ourselves, many of us don't have an innate belief that other people can meet our needs, which means that we don't believe we can connect with them. Which means I have to rely on myself, I have to live on my own. And there I am, in my bedroom, all by myself. And the computer is in the far corner, and all I have to do is turn it on'.'
When we turn it on, says novelist Andrew Holleran, we enter a world that amounts to 'the nightmare that gay people always have just underneath the surface, the fear that, I'm just my dick. I'm just my body. I'm just my age. It reduces everybody to statistics. You're presuming that nobody will love you for yourself, if you're offering yourself as just a bunch of statistics.'
This is, to say the least, a lonely place to be -- a place that anyone would want to escape. Problem is, the easiest way to salve that loneliness is to go back online. Manhunt 'creates loneliness and then relieves it,' Holleran says. Manhunt offers itself as the way out of the isolation it creates.
Larry Basile, who came out in New York in the 1970s, knows that online cruising intensifies the isolation of gay urban life. 'There was a lot of camaraderie that used to happen at the bars,' which, he says, is harder to find online. Still, he believes Manhunt is a force for good because it allows people in rural areas and smaller cities, where being gay is still stigmatized, to find one another. 'In North Dakota they're using it for dates or to find friends,' he says. Then he tells the story of one depressed young Manhunt member who wrote to another that he was contemplating suicide. The second man forwarded the message to a Manhunt customer service representative, who sent a list of suicide hotline numbers to the depressed young man, who decided not to end his life.
I'm glad that some guys in North Dakota aren't so lonely anymore, and I'm glad the depressed man is still among the living. But do those positive outcomes make up for Manhunt's role in the decline of gay urban life?
When I ask Basile and Henricks to do a cost-benefit analysis of Manhunt's social impact, they don't answer directly. Instead, Henricks reverts to a narcotic platitude about the Web's power to salve loneliness for young gay men in rural areas. To demonstrate Manhunt's reach, he asks me to name a town so tiny that I can't imagine it might have a Manhunt member. A few strokes of the keyboard produce a profile of a man who lives there. The profile says he's 23. When I point out that the kid doesn't look a day over 16, Basile answers, chuckling, 'His mother's MasterCard.' The remark reveals, as much as anything he's said, Basile's awareness of the duplicities and dangers that animate his product, and nurture his profits.





Comments
Homo: For a moment we hoped that Manhunt actually could destroy “gay culture”. No such luck, neither Manhunt nor Adam4Adam, nor Grindr nor nor all the other hook-up sites could do that. They are, of course, a symptom, but so is the rickety version of self-help Utopia presented by Michael Joseph Gross as an alternative. First, Gross’s view is rife with a thinly veiled puritanism: that sex is somehow inherently dangerous or evil. Second, the fiction that “we” (“gay” men) are a culture, that “we” have rules or a notion that “we” share anything in common. Which culture? Which rules? Which heritage? Gross’s assertion that it takes courage, patience, discipline, and imagination to go on dates and that if we all engage in this magical practice we’ll become “better men”, is as risible an idea as that of “Manhunt as Zion” held by some poor sucker clicking away toward Sex Addicts Anonymous in Indianapolis. Is the Amusement Park of Cruising or Death by Slow acting Suburban Anesthesia the only choice today?
A truth of gay life for us is that we are born into it alone, and this affords us a unique opportunity to develop. If we can take this up deliberately, choose and demand a great deal more from our lives and of our peers than the average sheepish hetero, then we’re getting somewhere. For this to happen we need to be aware of the possibilities. Friendship, excellence, art and Eros have always been important watchwords. To many ignorant straight-gays these might be seen as frivolous things (as opposed to SUVs and children), but to our kind they are articles of faith; the home in which we dwell. Nor are we empire building. We represent a choice, we were NOT born this way: we become this way. This path is a demanding one, you need to trail blaze, and this is more than can be asked of many. Homosexual life, flooded with immigrants from unprocessed Straightland, has declined into to lazy suburban living. This Sex and the City crowd have plopped themselves in the middle of the exceptional party and ruined everything with their bad taste in Everything. They have much to answer for, but thankfully they are not in our keep.
We represent an elective tribe, lost at the time of the AIDS catastrophe (yes, HIV was a disaster for us, not a redemptive moment or team building exercise). We advocate pluralism but with a stress on difference. Whatever the lying stripes on the rainbow banner represent baffles and repels us, as do all such confected nationalisms. We sail under cover of darkness through the Scylla of consumerized sex and the Charybdis of Suburban Prison with our little band of sailors.
More like this here: http://homo-online.com/post/34691109832
Thank you for a fantastic article. I don't believe though that it is just the development of the internet that has led to this. We live in a society where its possible for everyone to have their 15 minutes of fame. It is a culture where the individual is king, being famous isn't limited to a select few. This is progress when compared to previous authoritarian cultures and is what underpins the Arab Spring. Yes things have probably gone too far but it will be this dysfunction which will lead to the next level of seeking inner peace within a caring community. The question is what can we do now to support the development of a caring community? My thoughts have led me to ideas such as developing grass roots groups of men who come together, agree to a code of behaviour based on mutual respect and honesty and focus their energies on positive contributions to society. Their are many subgroups in gay culture who view each other with suspicion or contempt. This probably arises from our won internalised homophobia. As Bears, muscle marys, gay professionals, fairies, transgender we need to come together honour each others past, create spaces we can express our sexuality, feel good about themselves, learn to care for each other and move beyond using sex as a purely a means of validation. Having myself moved between some of these subcultures they all have much to offer the whole. The Radical Fairy Movement inspired by Harry Hay has much to offer in developing different ways of coming together. We mustn't forget though that the commercial gay scene had an enormous role in pushing gay visibility and rights and this needs to be honoured. As Marquismarq suggests the answer to all of this probably lies by thinking out of the box!
This article is very enlightening. As I have felt this way so many times. Even at my age (23) I have felt this way about sites like adam4adam, black gay chat, and countless other sites and even phone apps. These sites have reduced us to nothing. They are physiologically debilitating. I began using online dating when I was 17. ( I came out when I was 14) and for me it did provide a way to socialize with others like myself. but since then I have deleted and recreated these profile too many times to even count. In the span of five years.... five years of my life. I feel like I went from innocent to destructive, to mournful to now.... simply... done... done with this online thing, but at times craving for people like myself who are only a click away. You cannot tell me that you can divorce emotions while having one hook hookup after another.... Je suis desolee, but your brain does not simply shut off... the physiological impact that this has on your brain... secondly on your self worth. How much can you give before there is nothing left to give and you just become someone's fantasy as they lie on top of you or you lie on top of them and simply move up and down... I felt guilty after every hook up i have ever had, every one of them. I've only been on maybe two real dates where no sex was involved.... I'M DONE!!!!!!.....From these sites I've had some good sex and tons of bad sex. and again like the article I honestly feel that these sites have destroyed me, brought me down, made me less than anything of substance, less than anything that matters... reduced to a mere picture of my penis/ass to turn around and head to the grand Hyatt for a hookup with a guy who's first name I forgot, as he lays on top of me, and all I can think is how I really deep down I was lonely and wanted to cuddle with someone. It has at one time made me give up on the notion that there are monogamous, sensitive, loving, men in this life.... The number of times I run across men in open relationships; is this what I have to hope for in the years to come? I have been so disheartened to the point of depression. But like the poster above me, I've chosen to get rid of those profiles, to delete them. And there are those days when I feel alone, or I feel the need for just the company of another person, but like all feelings those to pass, and I simply wait them out. There are times I feel like I'm the only gay man trying to " make it" without having sex, without doing drugs, or partying it up.... sometimes I think I should be out there with all the other 20somethings like myself....but like the poster above me.... I seek fulfillment across spiritual lines.... this journey has pushed me to buddhism... to quell my anxieties, to quell my fears, to bind up my loneliness..etc.. but still I live in hope that someone like myself will come along.... I wish I had mentors, gay mentors, I wish that I could have known the camaraderie you all speak of during the AIDS crisis. I really wish I knew that.... because there was no one there to help me along the way.... maybe I can help younger gay men like myself along this path. I thank the author for posting this.
Regarding this quote:
'I think it's because so many of us spend so many hours of so many days online, doing things that make us feel ashamed
of ourselves.'
I've looked for and found gay sex (even extra-marital)in person and online for 40 yrs and have NEVER felt ashamed of myself...even a tad chagrined right after but never ashamed....
I think that Mr. Gross is Larry Kramer's love child and I am encouraged that he is here and hope to read his work for as long as I am still alive.
However, the most disturbing, distressing, sad and pathetic feature of his essay is that the OUT editors placed it in the category of "Entertainment."
This trivializes the subject matter. Although there doesn't appear to be category for "profound insight and analysis re socio-sexual behavior," entertainment this is not.
I'm all for anything to debunk the marriage monogamy myth. There is some truth to the men rolling over and going back to sleep after sex cliche. It's true most men just want too "get off," not recreate "Ozzie and Harriet." In all honesty, even if they try that, it won't last very long. The unspoken desire of gay marriage is the feeling that you own someone else - on paper of course. Masterbation will always out live any ridiculous ceremony on a beach at sunset.
I could write reams and reams about this and lose a day I need to devote to graduate school, so I'll try to keep it short. From the perspective of a man sober for 7 years, 20 years spent in the bars and 10 years spent on line were two sides of the same coin. One experience was drenched in liquor, one in crystal meth. Both yielded uncountable sexual encounters. Both led to incomprehensible demoralization, notwithstanding an enormous amount of "fun." Both were underpinned by the diehard commitment to the idea that my value was measured by my desirability, that my sense of self-worth required constant outside validation. It shocks me now how willing I was to give away all that power to others for so long.
When I let go of such notions by making a commitment to live along spiritual lines my first priority, it's rather remarkable how my love/sex life settled into a lovely amalgam of domesticity with a roommate, hot, regular encounters with a fuck-buddy, and Skype-love with an Austrian I see once a year but with whom I have a stunning intellectual connection. It is entirely possibly to find "right-sizedness" where before there was compulsion, and a hunger for intimacy that only led to my high having a relationship with their high.
Mostly, I get most of my emotional sustenance from a circle of incredibly close friends to whom I consider myself in a defacto marriage. It doesn't feel like compromise in the slightest--I can't think of any traditional couple I envy. I urge all gay men to think "outside the box" in ways to find intimacy if you redefine it as an experience that does necessarily require a sexual component. We as a tribe have a gift for friendship that we need to see as equally sacred to romance.
You are totally on point about our gift for friendship. It is wonderful to read about your personal and spiritual growth. I too find intimacy through nonsexual relationships with some very close friends. Thinking out of the box is definitely key in fulfilling our sexual and emotional needs. I currently get my emotional support and intimacy needs met through friends while having a sex buddy from time to time. Unfortunately, I am with you on the fact that there are currently no couples in my life that I envy. I find that a lot of times those who are in long term relationships are in them for the wrong reasons. We should be proud of our independence. All while being able to meet our needs in non traditional ways.
This article has been a turning point for me. And indeed The Wolf's response. I came out of a 20 year relationship last year, and turned to Manhunt as an escape, a relief, an adventure and, yes, in the belief that there might be another person out there (not to replace the one I had lost, but to start a new journey with, probably just as confusing, unpredictable and fulfilling as the last one).
Now I won't be a hypocrite and say that part of it hasn't been fun. On-line cruising didn't exist when I came out - we met in bars, or at dinner parties or at work, and did all that complex, odd and oddly satisfying/disappointing dance of discovery of the other. And it took time. And you sort of got to know people along the way. But the new world I found was profoundly different and for six months or so profoundly exciting; I'm fit, OK looking for my age and reasonably confident (god, this sounds like a Manhunt profile...) and for the first time I found myself hooking up, fucking and saying goodbye with a sense of light, ludic freedom. This was FUN, and playful and immediate and it made me feel like I was a porn star (in my own little middle-aged-porn-star at home with slippers kind of way). I took some drugs, I did a few trios, I had some laughs and then…. Well then it morphed. Quite quickly. Into something else; something that has changed me more than a little and something that I have not yet got a word for. And don’t like.
First of all I need it; I am on line a lot, and always on line for sex; Secondly it has made me dismissive of people who don’t meet my sexual fantasies (and more worryingly for my sense of self, equally depressed and insecure when I don’t meet the sexual fantasies of the other) and finally it has reduced my sense of the other to a set of numbers/mages/statements that do not equate with a real, flesh and blood person but with the internalised perfected images we all have of what successful male-ness is in the 21st century. The writer said it – an image separate from myself. Muscular, confident, self-contained, 30. And I think it is making me sad.
The 30 reference is not a throw away reference. I have met some sweet guys on line, but the 30-generation is a law unto itself; the younger guys, still searching for some way to be who they might become, are full of questions, a certain innocence, and a certain sense of the impossible task they have set themselves. The 45+ are cynical, aware of the task that was set and how little it satisfied them, and often (when not totally leached free of all human emotion by the process) and still with a capacity to listen. The 30-generation is fully submerged in the gay consumer dream – young, financially independent, party and sex obsessed and driven by a sense of entitlement; I have never met so many rude, careless or cruel individuals in my life before. You don’t fit? You don’t match my immediate need? You don’t fit into the hegemony of what being gay is (tits, man, and a close cropped beard?). Then get out of the pool! I feel this. And I sort of do match… what the outliers feel like God only knows.
And I am drifting in that direction! A phrase keeps coming back to me – “sorry, man, but our profiles don’t match”. I have got it back more than a few times and then a week or so ago I used it myself. Now, I spent 20 years with a man who in Manhunt terms would have been a disaster; to say our profiles didn’t match would be like saying Cher has had some hair extensions. Nothing matched. And we got 20 years, friends, family, god kids, houses, holidays, books, travel and long Sunday mornings in bed to of it. And now I am trying to match my profile with a set of ticked boxes. I don’t think I lie on my profile; but isn’t really me; Not deep down; not in the sense that I am not those photos, I am not that jocular, relaxed, NSA successful guy who gives the impression that life is a bowl of fruit he dips into when he feels like snacking. What I am, what you are, and what I believe most of us are is softer, more fragmented, less contained - searching for some map towards the fulfilment of self – even better if in the company of a courageous friend. And the boxes don’t tell that story.
To understand the real impact of this change you need to connect with a more dangerous phenomenon, which is that of the impact that Internet use is having on our brains. I recommend anyone interested in this area to read ‘In the shallows’ by Nichols Carr. If you connect it to the light of your own experience on sites like Manhunt, Gay Romeo or Gaydar, you will quickly realise that what is being altered if our very cognitive structure – how we perceive other people, how we connect to them, read them, understand them, how we build up our pictures of the outside world and how we project ourselves into the future; It is not just that the gay dating site encourages a sense of ever-renewed need, desire and satisfaction (brief satisfaction), it is that the very tool we are using – the computer screen, the mobile app, the touch pad – reinforces this endless unsatisfied quest for novelty, for perfection and for completion. Bring together three elements – the gay man’s insecurity, the computer screen’s neurological stickiness and the gay dating site’s exquisite designed consumer compulsion and you have a perfect storm of addictive behaviour. In a way it makes me feel better that I cannot get off line. Who could? Its all been designed to make me come back, click again and move on. And what it has done (and thank you to Michael Joseph Gross for having the balls to use this word) is that it is destroying Hope.
I used to pity gamblers and winos; I used to think I was emotionally and psychologically superior to them; I used to think that having a car, an apartment, a Prada suit, a book collection and a dinner party circuit made me immune; now I see that I am living the slot machine version of my emotional life. SO the article was an important warning sign. The question now is –how do I get out of the gambling arcade? Is it enough to know? Is it enough to be aware and yet not yet be cynical? And how, in Elliot Spitzer’s name do I reconnect to my emotional needs, find a man I want to sit on the sofa with and read the New Yorker and age with (there’s the word Manhunt seems to have banned from its vocabulary), when my entire identity seems to be now just about my penis and my pecs? And I am one of the successful, intelligent and (or so I like to vaunt) sensitive ones?
What, now I have ticked my boxes, to I do to unpick them, Can I just switch off? And when I do, when everyone else in the entire world is connected (I have not yet downloaded Grinder – the urge to do so is like a sugar craving. Pray for me that I resist, as you would pray for a diabetic to ignore the Krispy Kreme in the fridge) where does hope lie then?
In many parts and in so many words, I feel your article truly hits home about what I have been saying and preaching about for so many years now. Ever since I was sixteen, I saw the blight which entangled and choked the masses into believing that identity and homosexuality were mutually inclusive terms, that "being gay" meant acting, dressing, or behaving in a certain way. I think the gay community has been propelled into a spiraling cycle of labels, stereotypes, and archetypes that it fights with such vehemence with yet fails to realize the nature of these sociological boxes carved out by the world. In effect, it leads to us becoming the very things which we hate. We hate to be stereotyped and labeled yet we become so consumed by that mutilates our sense ourselves, our sense of being.
Introspection, critical thinking, and reflection are not common within gay men. They are immersed in their sexualism, their high-end urban life, their possessions, and trying to echo the reverberations of the American dream: rich, independent, masculine, self-sufficient, muscular, confident, and intelligent. While these traits may be good and worthy, they do nothing to allow us to view the world realistically, to teach us to love ourselves, to embrace our weaknesses, to banish the darkness and toxicity that society has instilled in us for ourselves and for gays. Instead, what I see is division after division of gays trying to find their own safety hubs from each other, trying to compete and vie for supremacy of lost souls, broken hearts, and empty souls. How can this be a good thing?
While I am not condemning sex and I can see its need on a biological level, I think it should not be the center-piece of any one's life. Unfortunately, people of this thinking are usually equipped to believe they can do anything, they are invincible, and will never have to deal with consequences. They value the immediate in exchange for the future because. They may think "the future is unpredictable and I have little hope that there will be much for them in the future anyway so may as well party it up today while I'm still alive and young because when I'm 40, it won't matter anyway. I'll be too old, decrepit, and senile."
I hardly knew 40 was the age of senility but these are this is just an example of what I mean by people not understanding themselves, reality, or how the real world functions in which they live in. As you so eloquently put, Michael, "We still don't know how to have enduring relationships. We still don't have examples. We still don't have mentors. We still don't have courtship rituals." All we have is ourselves and we don't even know what the heck we're supposed to do half the time when we are alone. We desperately seek out others to define us, to build us, to create in us purpose and give our existence purpose. Who could blame us for we are human too. We are no different than anyone else in this fundamental regard. We just don't recognize these kinds of these yet though, the majority of us anyway. With each new generation, I fear the legacy and message we are sending to the younger ones that "this is what being gay is: being a urban middle-classed socionymph (word I coined describing non-purposeful hypersexualism within gay men) with a constant urge to live on the edge of life."