What's your most regretted fashion choice? A wine-colored Alexander McQueen sci-fi-esque suit I wore to a premiere of a film I was in. I had my hair in little pigtails and looked like Joan Collins in an episode of Dynasty before she put her wig on. What's your vision of hell? Waking up on November 5 to find the Republicans got in again, becoming impotent, and having to watch Tom Stoppard plays forever. What do you do when you're most stressed out? Masturbate furiously. What will it say on your tombstone? "Alan came." What do you hide when your parents come over? I think everyone's happier when parents stay in hotels. What's the thing you most urgently need to tell your mother? Don't read this interview. Who's your childhood crush? When I saw Oliver Tobias giving it to Joan Collins in the TV commercial for the 1978 movie The Stud, I felt big stirrings in my pants. Who will play you in the film version of your life story? In the Hollywood version, Will Smith. In the arty European version, Geraldine Chaplin. What's the perfect song to have sex to? I never have music on when I have sex -- unless it's to prevent someone from overhearing us. What's the most overrated virtue? Piety. What is your favorite book right now? God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens. What is your must-have item of clothing? My Captain America underpants. Cumming stars in a Classic Stage Company production of Anton Chekhovs The Seagull in New York City through April 13.
