I Love You, Bro
By Matthew Breen
Their classmates, tormentors, even Evan's mother saw the signs: Evan (Michael Cera) and his special friend Seth (Jonah Hill) would soon be parted, and the separation would weigh heavily on each young man's heart. When Evan leaves for Dartmouth -- an exotic land rife with carnal temptation -- on the arm of the swarthy McLovin, will Seth ever find love again?
Evan and Seth skirt the matter, masking their desire with talk of the erotic potential of their female classmates. But even then, Seth's unfiltered thoughts betray his passions. 'Matt Muir -- he's the sweetest guy ever,' says Seth, a dreamlike fugue clouding his gaze. 'Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.' His review of porn reveals too much: 'You ever seen a vagina by itself? Not for me.'
But cruel Evan's cuckolding drives Seth into a mad rage, and he berates his home economics instructor with a stream of obscenities at the prospect of being alone, forever. Later, Evan's purchase of a small vial of spermicidal lube drives Seth to drink. And what of the threat of McLovin, the charming sophisticate whisking Evan away from the safe embrace of his portly companion? Only by speaking their true love aloud will these star-crossed lovers find fulfillment.