Oscars: The 2007 Queer Recap


By Jeffrey Epstein

7:34. Clooney presents the Best Supporting Actress award to Jennifer Hudson.
Shane: Oh, my God! I didn't think she'd win.
Jay: If you cry I'll never speak to you again.
Shane: I'm not crying.
Eddie: I'm crying because of her hair.

7:48. An Inconvenient Truth wins for Best Documentary. A dozen people get on stage to accept.
Jay: Don't bring your entourage on stage. Who are all those people?
Eddie: They're helping reduce carbon emissions.

7:49. Cut to a shot of Melissa and Tammy getting cozy on screen!
Jay: I love that they showed gay affection on television.

7:51. Clint Eastwood gaffes the end of his Ennio Morricone speech.
Jay: Someone bring that man a Jack Daniel's.
Shane: I love how he put down the Academy, 'The Academy in all its wisdom''

7:55. Celine starts to sing a new Morricone song.
Jeffrey: Ennio looks bored.
Eddie: So do I.
Andrea: Celine looks animatronic.
Eddie: Well, she's been studying the figures inside the mall at Caesars Palace.
Calpernia: Celine Dion is so rich she could have everyone in that audience killed if she wanted to.
Eddie: And after she's done singing, she will.

Cut to box where Ennio is sitting with Quincy Jones
Calpernia: Is that Uncle Fester in the background?
Eddie: Quincy got that jacket from Whoopi Goldberg.

8:00. Ennio speaks in Italian.
Jonathan: 'I'm being held against my will. Please send help.'

8:12. Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst present Best Screenplay.
Jay: What was Pan's Labyrinth about?
Shane: It's like a fairy tale.
Jeffrey: Set against the Spanish Civil War.
Jay: So it's not about Peter Pan?
Shane and Jeffrey: No.
Calpernia: More Ellen, less boring.

8:15. The Devil Wears Prada presented by Pilobolus. Guy comes out with a devil's pitchfork.
Eddie: That's kinda hot.
They form a shoe.
Jonathan: That's kinda genius.

8:21. The Dreamgirls sequence begins. Jennifer comes out and sings 'I Love You, I Do.'
Eddie: Fantasia right now is getting out the razors.

8:23. Beyonce sings 'Listen.'
Shane: Do you think she's mad at everyone? She looks pissed.
Jay: I think her extensions are pissed.

8:26. A choir appears.
Eddie [pointing to the last line of the choir]: Look, there's Jennifer Holliday!

8:29. An Inconvenient Truth wins for Best Original Song.
Shane: What?
Andrea: That's a surprise.
Jonathan: Dreamgirls split the vote.
Eddie: If the Academy were gay it would have won.
Jeffrey: Um, Melissa Etheridge is gay.
Jonathan: Wait, was there a kiss?
Andrea: I think there was!
We rewind the DVR to see Melissa plant one on her wife, Tammy Lynn Michaels.
All: Awwww.

8:36. Will Smith hits the stage.
Calpernia: Don't mess it up like your son did!
He introduces another montage.
Jeffrey: And we haven't even had the dead people montage yet. What is this about?
Eddie: It's about civil rights.
Jonathan: It's about immigrants. Or the American experience.
Jeffrey: I haven't seen anything about gays.
Superman floating through space.
Eddie: Oh, this is the gay part.

8:45. In Memoriam montage. Jodie Foster gives a shout out to her best friend, Randy Stone, cofounder of the Trevor Project, who recently died.
Animator Joe Barbera solicits the biggest awws.

Jonathan: They should open the show with this.

8:52. Philip Seymour Hoffman comes out to present Best Actress.
Eddie: What the fuck is that?
Jeffrey: Couldn't he have combed his hair?
Calpernia: He looks like Heat Miser from that Santa Claus cartoon.

8:57. Cut to a shot of someone dusting a trophy.
Andrea: They have to have someone dusting them all because it's been so long since the awards started.

9:01. Reese Witherspoon comes out to present Best Actor. The group agrees she looks incredible.
Jonathan: Why do they make them walk from the back of the stage?
Eddie: So we can watch them'
Jeffrey: 'fall.

9:13. Diane Keaton comes out on stage with Jack Nicholson to present Best Picture. Keaton goes through all the nominees while Jack stands there.
Andrea: He's making her do all the work. Just like with the hookers.

9:17. We get the sum ups of the night'
Calpernia: As a former showgirl, I have to love a show that's full of lesbians and queens.
Eddie: I can't talk now. I have to go home and practice my Pilobolus shadow puppets. Although I find I can do a silhouette of myself and do the queen at the same time.
Jonathan: It was a historic night at the Oscars. It looks like the Academy was making up for past mistakes.
Eddie: What was historic?
Jeffrey: The sheer number of useless montages was historic.
Jonathan: Martin Scorsese is considered one of the greatest American directors and he finally got his Oscar.
Andrea: It may have been making up for lost time' except for the telecast itself. I think the globe warmed another two degrees while we watched.