Oscars: The 2007 Queer Recap

2.25.2007

By Jeffrey Epstein

6:33. Melissa Etheridge performs the song from An Inconvenient Truth. Words appear on the screen behind her.
Calpernia: It's a sing-a-long!
Shane: This better win. I love that movie.
Eddie: You can reduce your carbon emissions to zero. Just put a bag over your head and in a few minutes, you'll be emitting no carbon.
Shane: I'm a little disappointed that both the lesbians on this show are wearing makeup.
Eddie: So is James Taylor.

6:36. Camera cuts to Jerry Seinfeld looking like he's snorting.
All: Eeeew!
Andrea: Bad timing!

6:37. Leo announces the Oscars have gone green.
Eddie: Which means the Oscars are all made out of recycled tin foil.

6:48. Following the unending 'writers montage.'
Calpernia: Next year they need to have a montage of the best montages.

7:00. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt enter to present costume design.
Jonathan: Ooh! We're getting a fashion show.
Cut to Meryl Streep in the audience.
Eddie: How much do you want to bet that Meryl's dress cost less than anyone else's in the room?
Jay: Her jewelry looks like it's made of plastic. Like it could glow in the dark.

7:02. Marie Antoinette wins for outstanding costumes.
Eddie: Fake Beyonc' wants to walk off in a huff right now.
Designer Milena Canonero walks up to the stage to accept.
Jeffrey: Is that Chloe Sevigny?
Calpernia: In about 40 years.
Andrea: 'I vould like to sank Colonel Sanders for zis tie.'

7:05. Tom Cruise walks out on stage
Jeffrey: Look, Nicole Kidman politely applauding in the audience! And there's Keith Urban sitting next to her!
Calpernia: Looking more feminine than Nicole.

7:08. Sherry Lansing enters
The group unanimously loves her dress. It's a first.

7:16. Pilobolus goes out to strike a Little Miss Sunshine pose.
Jeffrey: They're gonna make a van!
Eddie: I wish they'd make a dead Alan Arkin.

7:22. Pirates of the Caribbean wins for best special effects
Jay: Finally Pirates gets something.
Jeffrey: I'm surprised it wasn't nominated for Best Picture.
Shane: I'm surprised Dreamgirls wasn't nominated in this category for making Beyonc' look human.

7:23 Cut to Sacha Baron Cohen in the audience.
Eddie: I think that woman was just giving Sacha Baron Cohen a hand job!
Jay: I saw that!

7:25. Foreign film montage.
Jeffrey: Do we really need this?
Eddie: You say that now, but wait until the Bel Ami movies begin.
Jeffrey: This is interminable.
Jonathan: Why?
All: WHY??
Eddie: Um, because it's long? Can you imagine the guy backstage whose speech got cut off is pissed that this is what he got cut off for?

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