Its difficult to watch the Oscars and not talk back to the screen. Remember last year when we could hear the collective groans of gay round the globe when Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp beat out Dolly Parton and Crash usurped Brokeback glory? With that said, were bringing back our annual awards commentary so we can all feel the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the sheer terror of some fashion choices.
Agree? Disagree? Have your own thoughts? Write a comment and tell us!
Editors Note: Just so ya know, the comments expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of Out but a lot of them do.
The Cast of Characters
Jeffrey Epstein: West Coast Editor at Outand delightful party host.
Jonathan Weber: Jeffreys fantastic boyfriend (Jonathan, are you reading this?) and occasional Out.com film critic.
Shane Landrum: Currently starring in the new Road Rules
Calpernia Addams: Actress (Transamerica)
Andrea James: Filmmaker and trans-activist.
Eddie Shapiro: Co-author of the upcoming Queens in the Kingdom: The Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Guide to the Disney Theme Parks
Jay Gamlin: Dancer
While the true festivities dont start until 5:30 p.m. (Pacific time), following Andre Leon Talleys dubious pre-show performancein which he calls the Will Smith family the first family of Hollywood and Jennifer Hudson the peoples new princessEddie cannot resist a quip.
Eddie: Like Will Smith worked with Mary Pickford and Jennifer is the new Princess Diana??
5:31. Short film of nominees kicks off the show.
Andrea: Its like an Apple commercial.
Calpernia: Its weird that they call it a short film just because someone with a name made it. Otherwise it would just be a montage.
5:35. The producers make all the nominees stand in the audience.
Eddie: Thats a cool thing to do. Of course, Pat Field got a seat by the sound booth.
5:36. Ellen enters.
Andrea: Willy Wonka called. He wants his jacket back.
5:43. Ellen says, If there were no blacks, Jews, or gays, there would be no Oscars.
Cut to Betty DeGeneres sitting with Portia de Rossi.
5:34. Nicole Kidman walks on stage with Daniel Craig to present best art direction wearing a bright red dress with a strange flourish on the shoulder.
Calpernia: Shes so stunning. She can carry off having a weird thing on her shoulder.
Eddie. It needs to be lanced. Its like a boil.
6:04. Will Smiths son stumbles on saying West Bank Story. Abigail Breslin saves the day.
Jonathan: Oh, my God, hes illiterate!
Calpernia: That kids gonna cry himself to sleep tonight.
6:12. A choir of people perform sound effects on stage.
Eddie: Thats kind of cool.
Jay: Its a human Foley sound stage
Calpernia: Thanks to computers, none of those people have to be alive now.
6:16. Guys win for Letter for Iwo Jima.
Alan Robert Murray drones on while looking down at a piece of paper.
Eddie: Someone needed to coach him not to tilt his head down. We dont need to see his part.
Murray rambles on for ages and his co-winner, Bub Asman, doesnt get to thank his friends.
Jay: A partnership just ended.
Andrea: The theme for this years thank-you speeches has been Get to the microphone first.
6:23. Rachel Weisz gets ready to announce Best Supporting Actor
Eddie: Cmon, Eddie!
Its Alan Arkin.
Shane: I hated Little Miss Sunshine. I thought it was overrated. He was the only one who made it good.
Jonathan: This could be an indicator of how things are going to go later.
Cut to Arkins Oscar on the floor
Andrea: Please dont leave me here!
6:26. The Pilobolus dance troupe arrives to make oversized shadow puppets.
Eddie: They got paid thousands of dollars to roll around and make penguins.
Calpernia: I want to see Notes on a Scandal done in shadow puppets.
Eddie: The guys from Puppetry of the Penis are cursing themselves.
6:31. Randy Newman and James Taylor perform the nominated song from Cars.
Shane: Why dont they do shit that people know?
Eddie: Um, they have to do the songs that are nominated.
Jay: Randy Newman looks like a cartoon character
Eddie: And James Taylor looks like a hood ornament.
Shane: Oh, shoot me.
6:33. Melissa Etheridge performs the song from An Inconvenient Truth. Words appear on the screen behind her.
Calpernia: Its a sing-a-long!
Shane: This better win. I love that movie.
Eddie: You can reduce your carbon emissions to zero. Just put a bag over your head and in a few minutes, youll be emitting no carbon.
Shane: Im a little disappointed that both the lesbians on this show are wearing makeup.
Eddie: So is James Taylor.
6:36. Camera cuts to Jerry Seinfeld looking like hes snorting.
Andrea: Bad timing!
6:37. Leo announces the Oscars have gone green.
Eddie: Which means the Oscars are all made out of recycled tin foil.
6:48. Following the unending writers montage.
Calpernia: Next year they need to have a montage of the best montages.
7:00. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt enter to present costume design.
Jonathan: Ooh! Were getting a fashion show.
Cut to Meryl Streep in the audience.
Eddie: How much do you want to bet that Meryls dress cost less than anyone elses in the room?
Jay: Her jewelry looks like its made of plastic. Like it could glow in the dark.
7:02. Marie Antoinette wins for outstanding costumes.
Eddie: Fake Beyonc wants to walk off in a huff right now.
Designer Milena Canonero walks up to the stage to accept.
Jeffrey: Is that Chloe Sevigny?
Calpernia: In about 40 years.
Andrea: I vould like to sank Colonel Sanders for zis tie.
7:05. Tom Cruise walks out on stage
Jeffrey: Look, Nicole Kidman politely applauding in the audience! And theres Keith Urban sitting next to her!
Calpernia: Looking more feminine than Nicole.
7:08. Sherry Lansing enters
The group unanimously loves her dress. Its a first.
7:16. Pilobolus goes out to strike a Little Miss Sunshine pose.
Jeffrey: Theyre gonna make a van!
Eddie: I wish theyd make a dead Alan Arkin.
7:22. Pirates of the Caribbean wins for best special effects
Jay: Finally Pirates gets something.
Jeffrey: Im surprised it wasnt nominated for Best Picture.
Shane: Im surprised Dreamgirls wasnt nominated in this category for making Beyonc look human.
7:23 Cut to Sacha Baron Cohen in the audience.
Eddie: I think that woman was just giving Sacha Baron Cohen a hand job!
Jay: I saw that!
7:25. Foreign film montage.
Jeffrey: Do we really need this?
Eddie: You say that now, but wait until the Bel Ami movies begin.
Jeffrey: This is interminable.
Eddie: Um, because its long? Can you imagine the guy backstage whose speech got cut off is pissed that this is what he got cut off for?
7:34. Clooney presents the Best Supporting Actress award to Jennifer Hudson.
Shane: Oh, my God! I didnt think shed win.
Jay: If you cry Ill never speak to you again.
Shane: Im not crying.
Eddie: Im crying because of her hair.
7:48. An Inconvenient Truth wins for Best Documentary. A dozen people get on stage to accept.
Jay: Dont bring your entourage on stage. Who are all those people?
Eddie: Theyre helping reduce carbon emissions.
7:49. Cut to a shot of Melissa and Tammy getting cozy on screen!
Jay: I love that they showed gay affection on television.
7:51. Clint Eastwood gaffes the end of his Ennio Morricone speech.
Jay: Someone bring that man a Jack Daniels.
Shane: I love how he put down the Academy, The Academy in all its wisdom
7:55. Celine starts to sing a new Morricone song.
Jeffrey: Ennio looks bored.
Eddie: So do I.
Andrea: Celine looks animatronic.
Eddie: Well, shes been studying the figures inside the mall at Caesars Palace.
Calpernia: Celine Dion is so rich she could have everyone in that audience killed if she wanted to.
Eddie: And after shes done singing, she will.
Cut to box where Ennio is sitting with Quincy Jones
Calpernia: Is that Uncle Fester in the background?
Eddie: Quincy got that jacket from Whoopi Goldberg.
8:00. Ennio speaks in Italian.
Jonathan: Im being held against my will. Please send help.
8:12. Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst present Best Screenplay.
Jay: What was Pans Labyrinth about?
Shane: Its like a fairy tale.
Jeffrey: Set against the Spanish Civil War.
Jay: So its not about Peter Pan?
Shane and Jeffrey: No.
Calpernia: More Ellen, less boring.
8:15. The Devil Wears Prada presented by Pilobolus. Guy comes out with a devils pitchfork.
Eddie: Thats kinda hot.
They form a shoe.
Jonathan: Thats kinda genius.
8:21. The Dreamgirls sequence begins. Jennifer comes out and sings I Love You, I Do.
Eddie: Fantasia right now is getting out the razors.
8:23. Beyonce sings Listen.
Shane: Do you think shes mad at everyone? She looks pissed.
Jay: I think her extensions are pissed.
8:26. A choir appears.
Eddie [pointing to the last line of the choir]: Look, theres Jennifer Holliday!
8:29. An Inconvenient Truth wins for Best Original Song.
Andrea: Thats a surprise.
Jonathan: Dreamgirls split the vote.
Eddie: If the Academy were gay it would have won.
Jeffrey: Um, Melissa Etheridge is gay.
Jonathan: Wait, was there a kiss?
Andrea: I think there was!
We rewind the DVR to see Melissa plant one on her wife, Tammy Lynn Michaels.
8:36. Will Smith hits the stage.
Calpernia: Dont mess it up like your son did!
He introduces another montage.
Jeffrey: And we havent even had the dead people montage yet. What is this about?
Eddie: Its about civil rights.
Jonathan: Its about immigrants. Or the American experience.
Jeffrey: I havent seen anything about gays.
Superman floating through space.
Eddie: Oh, this is the gay part.
8:45. In Memoriam montage. Jodie Foster gives a shout out to her best friend, Randy Stone, cofounder of the Trevor Project, who recently died.
Animator Joe Barbera solicits the biggest awws.
Jonathan: They should open the show with this.
8:52. Philip Seymour Hoffman comes out to present Best Actress.
Eddie: What the fuck is that?
Jeffrey: Couldnt he have combed his hair?
Calpernia: He looks like Heat Miser from that Santa Claus cartoon.
8:57. Cut to a shot of someone dusting a trophy.
Andrea: They have to have someone dusting them all because its been so long since the awards started.
9:01. Reese Witherspoon comes out to present Best Actor. The group agrees she looks incredible.
Jonathan: Why do they make them walk from the back of the stage?
Eddie: So we can watch them
9:13. Diane Keaton comes out on stage with Jack Nicholson to present Best Picture. Keaton goes through all the nominees while Jack stands there.
Andrea: Hes making her do all the work. Just like with the hookers.
9:17. We get the sum ups of the night
Calpernia: As a former showgirl, I have to love a show thats full of lesbians and queens.
Eddie: I cant talk now. I have to go home and practice my Pilobolus shadow puppets. Although I find I can do a silhouette of myself and do the queen at the same time.
Jonathan: It was a historic night at the Oscars. It looks like the Academy was making up for past mistakes.
Eddie: What was historic?
Jeffrey: The sheer number of useless montages was historic.
Jonathan: Martin Scorsese is considered one of the greatest American directors and he finally got his Oscar.
Andrea: It may have been making up for lost time except for the telecast itself. I think the globe warmed another two degrees while we watched.