Oscars: The 2007 Queer Recap

2.25.2007

By Jeffrey Epstein

It's difficult to watch the Oscars and not talk back to the screen. Remember last year when we could hear the collective groans of gay 'round the globe when 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp' beat out Dolly Parton and Crash usurped Brokeback glory? With that said, we're bringing back our annual awards commentary so we can all feel the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and the sheer terror of some fashion choices.

Agree? Disagree? Have your own thoughts? Write a comment and tell us!

Editor's Note: Just so ya' know, the comments expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of Out' but a lot of them do.

The Cast of Characters
Jeffrey Epstein: West Coast Editor at Out'and delightful party host.
Jonathan Weber: Jeffrey's fantastic boyfriend (Jonathan, are you reading this?) and occasional Out.com film critic.
Shane Landrum: Currently starring in the new Road Rules
Calpernia Addams: Actress (Transamerica)
Andrea James: Filmmaker and trans-activist.
Eddie Shapiro: Co-author of the upcoming Queens in the Kingdom: The Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Guide to the Disney Theme Parks
Jay Gamlin: Dancer

While the true festivities don't start until 5:30 p.m. (Pacific time), following Andre Leon Talley's dubious pre-show performance'in which he calls the Will Smith family 'the first family of Hollywood' and Jennifer Hudson 'the people's new princess''Eddie cannot resist a quip.
Eddie: 'Like Will Smith worked with Mary Pickford and Jennifer is the new Princess Diana??

5:31. 'Short film' of nominees kicks off the show.
Andrea: It's like an Apple commercial.
Calpernia: It's weird that they call it a short film just because someone with a name made it. Otherwise it would just be a montage.

5:35. The producers make all the nominees stand in the audience.
Eddie: That's a cool thing to do. Of course, Pat Field got a seat by the sound booth.

5:36. Ellen enters.
Andrea: Willy Wonka called. He wants his jacket back.

5:43. Ellen says, 'If there were no blacks, Jews, or gays, there would be no Oscars.'
Cut to Betty DeGeneres sitting with Portia de Rossi.

5:34. Nicole Kidman walks on stage with Daniel Craig to present best art direction wearing a bright red dress with a strange flourish on the shoulder.
Calpernia: She's so stunning. She can carry off having a weird thing on her shoulder.
Eddie. It needs to be lanced. It's like a boil.

6:04. Will Smith's son stumbles on saying West Bank Story. Abigail Breslin saves the day.
Jonathan: Oh, my God, he's illiterate!
Calpernia: That kid's gonna cry himself to sleep tonight.

6:12. A 'choir' of people perform sound effects on stage.
Eddie: That's kind of cool.
Jay: It's a human Foley sound stage
Calpernia: Thanks to computers, none of those people have to be alive now.

6:16. Guys win for Letter for Iwo Jima.
Alan Robert Murray drones on while looking down at a piece of paper.
Eddie: Someone needed to coach him not to tilt his head down. We don't need to see his part.
Murray rambles on for ages and his co-winner, Bub Asman, doesn't get to thank his friends.
Jay: A partnership just ended.
Andrea: The theme for this year's thank-you speeches has been Get to the microphone first.

6:23. Rachel Weisz gets ready to announce Best Supporting Actor
Eddie: C'mon, Eddie!
It's Alan Arkin.
Shane: I hated Little Miss Sunshine. I thought it was overrated. He was the only one who made it good.
Jonathan: This could be an indicator of how things are going to go later.

Cut to Arkin's Oscar on the floor
Andrea: 'Please don't leave me here!'

6:26. The Pilobolus dance troupe arrives to make oversized shadow puppets.
Eddie: They got paid thousands of dollars to roll around and make penguins.
Calpernia: I want to see Notes on a Scandal done in shadow puppets.
Eddie: The guys from Puppetry of the Penis are cursing themselves.

6:31. Randy Newman and James Taylor perform the nominated song from Cars.
Shane: Why don't they do shit that people know?
Eddie: Um, they have to do the songs that are nominated.
Jay: Randy Newman looks like a cartoon character
Eddie: And James Taylor looks like a hood ornament.
Shane: Oh, shoot me.

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