Cop a Feel


By Jeffrey Epstein

In Out's March issue we speak with openly gay Lieutenant Jim Dangle about his appearance in the new film Reno 911!! Miami. Here, we offer a few more words from our favorite short-shorts sporting cop (courtesy of his alter ego, Tom Lennon).

So Jim, may I call you Jim?
Thanks, Jeffrey. And, no, you may not. Please address me as Lieutenant. It's not like I'm some asshole in your spin class. I spent 12 weeks at the Sheriff's Academy and then went to another eight-hour seminar to get where I am today. So let's keep it professional. Either address me as Lieutenant, or 'Stiff Jimmy,' which was my Coast Guard nickname.

OK, Stiff' um' Lieutenant, how are you feeling about your job these days?
I work most holidays, and I've developed a strange rash from riding in a squad car 12 hours a day for 13 years. If I could build a time machine, it would be 1989'and I'd be getting into something worthwhile, like real estate or soft-core porn.

Do Officer Trudy's endless advances bother you?
I have nothing against Trudy Wiegel, personally. She can't help the fact that she's a waste of perfectly good space. I attribute her devotion to me to the fact that she was raised in a house with a substantial amount of lead-based paint.

Ever think of coming out to Hollywood? We could use some hot cops out here.
Good Lord, yes. Are there any nice places to rent in the $200-a-month range? Including utilities?