Speedophobia

2.1.2007

By Mark Simpson

PROHIBITED' the wearing of skintight form-fitting or bikini-type apparel or bathing suits by males over 12 yrs. age

If the stern, killjoy rubric of this warning sign, erected in the 1960s by the good people of Cape May, N.J., sounds like a way to rain on a gay beach party, that's because it was.

Cape May, a resort town a few hours south of New York City by car, had become a popular gay haunt by the late 1950s, nicknamed 'Cape Gay' by the cognoscenti. According to a 1969 article in Philadelphia magazine, 'their public displays of affection, particularly among men wearing women's bathing suits on the main beach'turned off the townsfolk.' The city council, eager to protect its flock from glimpsing the terrifying outline of adult male genitalia, was moved to pass a law forbidding bikini bathing suits on males over age 12'a 'phalliban,' if you will.

Now, of course, such a sign is inconceivable. Or rather'unnecessary. After all, everyone knows that male bikinis'or, to give them their trade name'turned'generic moniker, 'Speedos''are unofficially banned from all main beaches in the United States, whatever your age.

You may think them practical and sexy and iconic. You may consider them the single most perfect and pithy item of clothing ever designed for the male body. You may consider them the only thing to wear on the beach. You might even consider yourself slightly overdressed in them. But if you do, it's probably because you're gay. Or foreign. Speedos, otherwise known as 'banana hammocks,' 'marble bags,' 'noodle benders,' and 'budgie smugglers,' are apparently as un-American as Borat's body thong.

Speedos on a nongay beach are the surest way to earn yourself angry stares, abuse, and plenty of room for your beach towel. As a result, Speedos have in the United States become a badge of gay pride and exclusion'as overt homophobia declines, rampantly overt Speedophobia is bringing U.S. gays and Brazilians together, huddling together at the far end of the beach in their Lycra.

Male celebs like David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Daniel Craig may now be nicely filling out their Speedos on their beach holidays'but none of these fellows are American. Speedos and even more revealing male swimsuits are popular in South America, Asia, much of Europe, and especially, of course, in the land of the pert-butted lifesaver: Australia, the place where the 'Aussie cossie' and much of the beach lifestyle we know today was born.

The Speedo is more than just 'gay' beachwear: It's a symbol of sexual freedom and a rediscovery of the body after centuries of clammy Christian morality.

Bathing and swimming are undoubtedly pagan passions. The ancients invented the seaside resort and spent a great deal of gold on, and time in, their blessed public baths, where the men bathed and swam naked. Not because they were indifferent to nakedness, but because they esteemed virility. Every night was wet jockstrap night (without the jockstrap) at the Roman baths, and especially well-endowed bathers were likely to be greeted with a round of applause; during the reign of notorious size queen Emperor Elagabalus, those who hung low at the baths were promoted to high office.

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