Auto Eroticism

10.16.2006

By Philip Gefter

Of course, things are different today. Mr. Bond of the 21st century would be openly gay, and he would use his health-conscious animal magnetism to attract, repel, humble, or shame his adversaries. Powerful, hungry, practical, and urbane, this all-purpose, hard-driving adult would have little regard for low-to-the-ground, adolescent-fantasy sports cars.

With the end of the clear-cut Cold War villains, international terrorism in the era of global warming creates a new set of challenges. Our gay secret agent needs a substantial
vehicle to protect him as well as to navigate any landscape, endure the elements, and take a rough workout off the road as well as on. His green consciousness is weighed against no-nonsense logic and, of course, aesthetics. (After all, Bond's priority remains saving entire populations from disaster'which may require some compromises with any environmentalist impulses he might have.) The choice for him would be a black Range Rover Sport'rugged, lithe, and, most unusual for an SUV, sportif. The gay Mr. Bond, whose sensibility is attuned to just such worldly refinement, would opt for the more environmentally economic Sport over its larger sibling, being riveted not only to its precision-cut lines and tailored silhouette but its smoldering, understated gravitas.

Inside, the cabin is leather-bound chic, like a sleek, lap-of-luxury hotel room. Just where you want to be with this Mr. Bond, the bon vivant with serious savoir faire. And to think that with the flick of a switch, the backseats in his Range Rover Sport convert, full
throttle, into a double bed as the windows darken. Ever resourceful and shamelessly smooth, Mr. Bond was never one to pass up the opportunity for fun-loving car(nal) relief.

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