1. First you need a good concept. Slutty + occupation = costume! Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch, or Slutty Slut. For that last one just write Free Pussy on your stomach with an arrow pointing to your crotch.
2. For makeup, think either trick or treat. Im more trick, so I gravitate toward makeup that would normally be found on a hookers stolen motel pillowcase and shades of lip gloss that youd only locate at the base of a penis.
3. That said, CoverGirl wont cover boys, and LOreal doesnt make an industrial-strength line of beard-covering foundation. Try something thicker like MAC or Joe Blasco. If that still doesnt cover it, try a belt sander and some Krylon.
4. If you get fake nails at a salon, do not let them overcharge for using up all their thumbnails just because you have big, manly hands.
5. Mall hair is out, so dont buy your do off a kiosk between Cinnabon and Panda Express. Try Wigs.com, where you can pick your favorite fag hags wig line, from Jessica Simpson to Raquel Welch. Just avoid the Eva Gabor line.
6. Halloween is not an eight-day holiday like Hanukkah, so dont blow the rent by spending $549 on a Hello Kitty tiara. I did. If you must have the tiara, economize by wearing it with a burlap sack and work a Grand Duchess Anastasia-after-a-Bolshevik-encounter look.
7. Just cause Britney goes shoeless doesnt mean you should. Yes, stiletto heels might make your feet hurt, and your pump might fill with blood, but its better to be known as the queen with the limp than the barefoot hillbilly tranny. Check out Fredericks.com for ideas. You can spend $30 to be the girl your mother never wanted you to be.
8. Now, if you know youre going to be drinking, why not plan for it accordinglywith a blond wig, huge red lips, and sunglasses? Make sure you slur your words, or no one will realize that youre supposed to be Melanie Griffith.
9. Lets get to the meat of the matter, shall we? Throw your foot on the counter, duct-tape back your junk, and then yank up your pantyhose tight to seal the deal. Voil! Instant camel toeor hoof.
10. Sadly, even if you follow all these tips, you will still not be as snatched as I am. Snatched means I look so womanly that I can easily get out of a solicitation charge with a freebie.
