Don�t Be a Tragic Trick-or-Treatin� Tranny

9.13.2006

By Out.com Editors

1. First you need a good concept. 'Slutty' + 'occupation' = costume! Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch, or Slutty Slut. For that last one just write Free Pussy on your stomach with an arrow pointing to your crotch.

2. For makeup, think either 'trick' or 'treat.' I'm more 'trick,' so I gravitate toward makeup that would normally be found on a hooker's stolen motel pillowcase and shades of lip gloss that you'd only locate at the base of a penis.

3. That said, CoverGirl won't cover boys, and L'Oreal doesn't make an industrial-strength line of beard-covering foundation. Try something thicker like MAC or Joe Blasco. If that still doesn't cover it, try a belt sander and some Krylon.

4. If you get fake nails at a salon, do not let them overcharge for using up all their thumbnails just because you have big, manly hands.

5. Mall hair is out, so don't buy your do off a kiosk between Cinnabon and Panda Express. Try Wigs.com, where you can pick your favorite fag hag's wig line, from Jessica Simpson to Raquel Welch. Just avoid the Eva Gabor line.

6. Halloween is not an eight-day holiday like Hanukkah, so don't blow the rent by spending $549 on a Hello Kitty tiara. I did. If you must have the tiara, economize by wearing it with a burlap sack and work a Grand Duchess Anastasia-after-a-Bolshevik-encounter look.

7. Just 'cause Britney goes shoeless doesn't mean you should. Yes, stiletto heels might make your feet hurt, and your pump might fill with blood, but it's better to be known as the queen with the limp than the barefoot hillbilly tranny. Check out Fredericks.com for ideas. You can spend $30 to be the girl your mother never wanted you to be.

8. Now, if you know you're going to be drinking, why not plan for it accordingly'with a blond wig, huge red lips, and sunglasses? Make sure you slur your words, or no one will realize that you're supposed to be Melanie Griffith.

9. Let's get to the meat of the matter, shall we? Throw your foot on the counter, duct-tape back your junk, and then yank up your pantyhose tight to seal the deal. Voil'! Instant camel toe'or hoof.

10. Sadly, even if you follow all these tips, you will still not be as snatched as I am. Snatched means I look so womanly that I can easily get out of a solicitation charge with a freebie.

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