Go West, Young Man

2.16.2006

By Out.com Editors

Since Hollywood has gone ga-ga over Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger this year, it seems every leading actor now wants to make a gay love story, from Brad Pitt to'well, isn't Brad Pitt good enough for you? We've merged two time-honored Hollywood traditions'the insipid movie remake and jumping on the bandwagon'to present our ideas for gay updates of famous westerns. (Besides, we haven't nearly used up all our Brokeback Mountain jokes yet.) And listen up, Scorsese, Spielberg, and Eastwood: We want a cut if one of our ideas gets green-lighted.

The Lone Stranger'Based on The Lone Ranger, (1956) this isn't so much a gay love story as it is about an anonymous hook-up after a few too many beers at the local all-male saloon.

The Magnificent Seven Jeans'An epic tale of true love between a man and his designer denim.

The Last of the Faux-hicans'Daniel Day-Lewis plays the very last man to get the world's gayest haircut.

A Crotchful of Dollars'A wandering go-go dancer plays two rival families against each other in a town torn apart by greed, pride, and revenge.

The Crisco Kid'Ha! Come on, you knew we had to go there. [Ed. note: This isn't a new joke.] Dammit!

Riders of the Fuschia Sage'This is the story of a gunman, Lassiter, and a team of interior designers who renovate a western ranch in hopes of flipping it for a tidy profit.

She Wore a Yellow Ribbon'Inspired by the 1949 film of the same name, this drag remake tells the story of an army captain on the eve of retirement who protects a troupe of drag queens from the hordes of invading str8-acting Aberzombies.

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